When Feedback Rebounds~ Is honesty irrelevant today?

This post is counter to the one I wrote some time before  on facing criticism.Just to quote a few lines from that post on the experience of facing criticism.

Facing criticism can be a debilitating experience as demonstrated by examples of comments which people receive.The words shock and rebound. and disappear into time. but the feelings remain. Sometimes, for ever” (from previous post). I talked about how we can deal with criticism.

Well, now the question is what happens if you are on the other side. The purveyor of criticism or feedback. This is another tricky situation as now you are at the giver’s end. You are  going to face the brunt of the ire/ bad feelings of the recepient which may permanently affect your relationship, professional and personal. While many of those who give, do not bother about its effects on the recepients, those who are sensitive to giving and receiving, face a battle all the time.  How to criticise without hurting. How to maintain relationships and self respect and be true to themselves without hurting some one’s ego.

I want to share two such experiences here, where I have been the giver and what was the consequences I faced.

One was in a situation where owing to some unpalatable circumstances, I felt compelled to give some feedback to my senior authority on some issues, which i felt was improper and was not being done properly.  I had to think many times before venturing to speak about him as he was not very conducive to feedback.  I decided not to take my colleagues into confidence because I thought it was better to be independent in certain situations. However, things became so bad, that i went for it.  And consequences: I got a flaming in front of my colleagues, i was humiliated, penalised, banned from my office for one week. I was made out as a liar. My colleagues knew i was speaking the truth. They sided with the Boss cause they knew which side was their butter. Boss lied. Colleagues lied. I ended up looking like a fool. Later on my boss told me the reason for his vindictive behavior was I am never supposed to point fingers at him,in any way, whatever he does, howsoever inconvenient for me. This was my first experience of being target of vindictiveness for espousing my grievances and criticism.  I then wondered what happened to the old qualities we were taught?  That was, indeed a very harsh and frightening experience for me.

Second time, again recently, I felt a need to make my views clear on certain issues in my club. I spoke from the view of a member and how to improve certain things. I felt, i is not about accepting my views. but feedback should be given at the correct time. Anyways, the end result was I was told that my behavior is disappointing and so on. Another sad but not at all that bad compared to my previous experiences. Again the same question comes : To what end the point of being honest?

Many questions from these experiences I ask on subsequent reflection?

1 When is a good time for us to give feedback?

2 How do we give feedback? What is the best ways of giving  negative feedback?

3.TO what extent should one keep one’s eye closed?

4. we may need to adapt and fit ourselves ot the contexts we are in at the moment. But how much can we adapt ourselves without selling ourselves out?

5. what would you do, if you were placed in such unpleasant situations ?

6. Are honesty, forthrightness, transparency overrated and irrelevant in today’s working world?

7. When does honesty becomes foolishness (as evidenced in my case)?

In the former case, I have the excuse of being immature but intentions were good and necessitated. I am not sure what would have been the healthy way to deal with it.

In the latter case, I was very surprised because I was only pointing out certain things which should be followed as per club rules. But the leader and other people have more flexible ways of functioning as such.

What do you think?

Related articles

• You want feedback? Let me tell you what I think about you and your blogging… (urbandaddy.wordpress.com)
• On the Receiving End of Feedback? Say “Thank You” (sowhatwouldyousay.wordpress.com)
• Giving Negative Feedback (leadinggeeks.net)
• Workplace Feedback: 8 Essential Questions (uxstrategist.wordpress.com)
• The problem with being brutally honest (reflectionsofaprodigalson.wordpress.com)
• Reduce the “Ouch” of Difficult Feedback (sowhatwouldyousay.wordpress.com)

Balancing the Old and the New..a seesaw

A perpetual struggle is going on inside me at all times as I strive to balance between the conflicting views of the past and the present. They say, that yesterday is another day..but I dont feel so. Everything which I experience, I feel and I have observed in the past is compared to the present and influences my future actions and thoughts. It may not remain in the forefront of the mind, but it is always there in the background, hovering around..just waiting to be released..anytime if needed. 

As I grow and evolve, I accept some things and I jettison some other things. Some things drop off slowly and naturally, gradually like the shedding of  the skin by a snake or the shedding of leaves of an apple tree. Slow,smoothly, with ease and with acceptance as I realise it does not work for me anymore.This is more of a delightful process tinged with a little sadness.

In some other cases, the removal/acceptance is abrupt. Like walking smoothly along a path and suddenly falling down a precipice. Like being caught in an unexpected rainstorm on an otherwise sunny day. Events and circumstances, facts or words, bring about this sudden realisation/understanding. A rather painful way of leaving aside redundant thoughts or ideas and opening up to new ones.

But again a beautiful process as the pleasure you get in understanding or looking at things in a new way is something which can’t be really quantified.  And the glimmer of understanding when you realise something feels exquisite.

That is the beauty of life.

Life would not be so interesting and meaningful, if it were entirely sedate and predictable. Occasional roadbreakers in life help us to make major shifts and turnarounds provided, we understand the importance and take it in the positive spirit. And use the experiences to improve our understanding and perception of things. Therefore, we need to be reflective.

When I was younger, I wished that things would remain the same. Everybody remain the same. Including me. I didn’t like seeing myself grow and my parents age. Now over the years, I realise that , that is not possible. Change is permanent. Nothing remains for ever. What I was a few years is definitely not what I am now. Though the core is the same , though it has been molded differently under the force of different agents.

When we look in the mirror, at different points of life, we see it reflected in our changing images externally. Internally, we are also aware of some changes also.  If we do some accounting at regular intervals, we can actually observe at what points we let go off or accepted something new.We realise that our inner soul has also changed, being more wiser and  older and thinking differently, from say a few years ago. For example 10 years before, I was a completely different being, internally as well as externally. Internally, I lacked confidence and was more unsure of myself. I never dared to ask myself tough questions and reflections on my experiences.

Over the course of these 10 years , due to critical events in life, I havebeen forced to step aside and ask myself questions.  I can even detect at what point I started asking questions.  I dared to question myself and not just pass over thoughts.That was change no 1  for me.  I still dont know what made me take this step of questioning myself and my thought processes.And search for answers. some answers I do  get immediately. Some it takes time. Some I am still looking for.  I realise that it is your experiences that really shape you as you are. You may refer to books for knowledge but it is your experiences which will get imprinted.

This is the eternal law of nature.  Nobody can go against it.

But then as humans, we find it difficult to accept things and let go of things. We see it everywhere around us. The prevalence of anti aging treatments and plastic surgery. We cannot accept the external changes so we try to do things to prevent those unavoidable changes. But having done that, does it give internal satisfaction to the person? Can we prevent our internal changes when we artificially modify our external self ? Aren’t we constraining ourselves to be in a certain position, when we can let go, grow and fly free? Yes, Aging is scary for most but it is inevitable. If we accept that, we can be liberated from so many self induced stresses.,

Hold onto intanglibles which give meaning like values (honor, integrity, friendship) ..

When we lose some one we love or we lose a job or we loose our dignity and we spend ages and time grieving  over it. Can we get the thing we lost back is what we should ask ourselves. If not, does it make sense to grieve for so prolonged a time?  Isn’t it better to make peace with ourselves and bring a closure? Yes, grieve fully and completely and then let go the burdens. ‘

Similarly, many of us find it difficult to adjust and adapt to totally new ways of different things. Probably, our old mental baggage, concepts and ways of doing things are so firmly entrenched that it is an uphill task to unscrew them, release and replace with the new ideas.

And yet in times of necessity, we need to be flexible, quick and adaptable..to change , to learn, to undo , to renew..and that is what our life is about..balancing the old and the new..ensuring that there is always a dynamic circulation going on and balancing in our thought processes and our actions.

Criticism can kill or make

“This is absolutely shoddy work. You are useless. You are good for nothing. You will never do anything in else in life. You are the cause of my embarrassment…”

The words shock and rebound. and disappear into time. but the feelings remain. Sometimes, for ever.

Many of us at different times in our lives have received similar comments at different times in our lives at different hands. Parents, Spouses, Children, Friends, Bosses. The language may differ but the emotion conveyed is the same and the feeling created in you is the same. A  sense of feeling of misery, disappointment and self rejection.sometimes, self hatred. We don’t have much choices in this situation. We either accept the criticism without comment, with stoicism and move on. or, we wallow in the pain caused by those words until the pain remains and become a permanent part of us as self criticism.

A killer word. How do we live with criticism?  Whether deserved or undeserved, criticism can take a heavy toll on a person’s morale and sensitivities. It can debilitate a person’s confidence .How do we cope with criticism/comments hurtful remarks  and take it in our strides? How can  we convert something so damaging into a positive statement. If we just ignore it, we may overlook some important insights to be gleaned about us. If we take it to heart, then it hinders and becomes a weight on us, punishes, restrains and ties us under a weight of self judgement.

Some important steps which can help an extremely sensitive person to manage and cope with criticism:

1. It is not ABOUT you. thousands of millions of people face it everyday.

2. Deal with the criticism immediately and let it go. Immediate action. Do NOT let it fester.

3.Allow yourself to accept your feelings. It is okay to feel bad at being criticised. Feel it and let it go.

4. Study the criticism in a detached fashion. Ask yourself do you really feel you merit it ? Be objective in this, rather than being emotional about it. List down the reasons you deserve it or not.writing it down help you to focus on the objective, rather than the emotional. A dispassionate mind helps you in taking effective action.

5. Some criticisms may be more personal than objective and the sting may be more severe. In which case, the best way ( it works for me) is FORGIVE and FORGET. It takes time, effort and may seem arduous initially, as our natural tendency is to hate the person who judges us and brings down our self worth. But , try it and  be persistent. You will learn to be at peace and you will be happier.You will move on.

6. Always remember no body likes to bear the brunt of criticism and so, when it is your turn to criticise somebody, be objective , truthful but be kind.  Deliver your medicine in a positive way so that the other person is not de motivated but be truthful as the person should have confidence in you at all times. Remember, what goes around, comes around.

7.Also remember, the severest critic is many times our greatest friend because he or she has the courage to tell us what our shortcomings are, which we may sometimes be ignorant of.

Frequent memories of criticisms may haunt us especially, those sustained during childhood days. These, if carried into adulthood may have a debilitating effect on our functioning as an adult. It is very important to forgive and forget and  move on.Let those memories come and go. Do not judge them. Accept your pain and let it go. Do not hold onto them.  Replace those thoughts with positive thoughts. Try to think of something positive you did today  or some praise you received and combat those thoughts.

We need to live our life with positive will and spirit.It is very easy to break down under circumstances. But how we manage them is a key to our survival and courage. Remember , always that the greatest leaders, the explorers, scientists, discoverers have faced innumerable criticism and yet they thrived and persisted, in spite of it. They were true to themselves and listened to their voices.  We should learn to be true to ourselves and not bow down just because of a few words…

Criticism can kill or make.It is up to you in what direction you want to ride it.