Contradictions~

Over many days, I was thinking of the difference between thoughts and actions. Many times we hold certain thoughts and certain beliefs but when it comes to action, we find it difficult to implement. In a sense, we become hypocrites. I have been pondering over this for some time. When i was younger,  I was passionate about what i believed in but I used to hold them back because of the emotionally unfavorable conditions i was growing up in.

I dont mean to say love was not there. Love was there but questioning authority and expressing certain opinions was frowned upon because it did not match up. Whenever i used to express, it was frowned upon. Slowly the voice got silenced. It was there but the respect for authority would overwhelm it. Inside me, the voice would rumble and grumble. Outside, there would be the external acquiescence.  Everybody would think of me as a nice, sweet person. Which is what they want to see in me. The more I suppressed myself, The more i changed into someone else. 

The only place where I did take independent decisions was my studies and career. I thought what was right and I followed it up. There were ups and downs in the course of my career/studies.  I never regretted and I learnt a lot.

The question I ask myself is why I never applied the same vigorous independence of thought/action in other areas of my life? Why is it that in one area, I never allowed anyone to question or doubt my decisions while on other areas i was quite the tame cat? Was it a sort of compromise I paid  for allowing one set of dreams to be fruitful? Possible. A Sort of selling out for one’s survival. I am not sure. 

In the process, in those areas, which I felt deprived or felt the lack of freedom or more importance, the lack of courage to express the need for freedom,  I experienced the urge to take rash steps. To Try out things on my own. To explore and adventure. In hindsight, I feel it looked adventurous but it may have been rash on my part. But during those times it was the only thing to do. Sometimes, my adventures worked out. Sometimes it did not. 

I will not say that all that i have thought or i have believed in were entirely correct. But time and experiences have molded them. I have learnt many valuable lessons.

But this contradiction still makes me ponder how in some situations what holds us back from expressing the full of us. Why do we have this lack of courage? How do we improve upon it? How do we become an uniformly courageous, rather than in bits and patches?

At the end of the day it is all about survival and making the most of what you got. Maybe these contradictions help us in managing our lives better?

What do you think?

 

The power of words

Words are not just words. Not just assemblies of letters. They have the power to influence us in different ways.  So if you say, words are just words, it does not make sense. Because, words do leave impact on us. The smallest impact. Be it, the words you read, the words you see, the words  you hear, the words you speak.

So imagine, how it would be, when you speak to somebody with harshness, tenderness, apathetically, or in some other way. The key question is what does makes words so impactful? It is the energy associated with the word which defines the impact it will have on another person.

What is this power which moves us through words? The energy transmitted from the person , through  his thoughts?  we can feel it when we speak and hear words or sounds spoken. What about when we see and read words? How is that printed words can also impact us?

My personal experience, when i am reading books or am reading something on the screen, is through those words, some energy is transmitted which gets to you. This is why some writings impact us more so than other. It could be also  that because all o us are different and we have different energies which match/vibrate/resonate differently from others, we respond differently to the same thing.

More importantly, i wonder how in virtual media, when we write messages or articles or post tweets or anything, we are sometimes able to impact significantly. we bond through words. Sometimes, intense bonding occurs. Sometimes, we can even predict each other’s responses. How is this energy transmitted through the net? When actually we are just typing letters? Why can’t there be no feelings just the fact conveyed? This certainly happens. This accounts for the emotional volatilities and conflicts occuring on the virtual media and the subsequent stress levels..

Somehow, somewhere, words come alive. The question is how? Do you feel me talking to you when i write this? How do you feel after I write this line? Let me know..

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Blue, Blue my world is blue

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It seems it is the season of blues I am going through.  Everywhere I look, I see the colour blue. Why does life look bluish to me? Blue skies. Blue moods. Blue thoughts. Blue dreams 🙂 Blue feelings.

Even when i listen to the song, Blue, Blue, My Love is Blue, A beautiful soothing song about love, I can feel myself going blue.

Blue.

The word blue is associated with such a cheerful and peaceable colour. A calming colour. We feel soothed when we see the blue skies and the oceans. And yet,  we associate it with sadness and gloominess, depression and being in the dumps. Hence, we use the term feeling blue or getting the blues.Why is it so? Some common phrases we use are

• Feeling blue, Blue devils – feelings of depression
• The blues (not capitalized) – depression, state of sadness
• Baby blues – post-partum depression
• Singing the blues – Crying about one’s sorrows
• Monday Blues- Blues on a Monday

Why do we call it the blues? Contrary statement. Something which is so calming and soothing can in extremes have a depressing effect. Likewise, other colours may also exhibit such traits.Our responses to colours can  be thought of in measure due to two possible reasons:

1. Psychologists say that color can profoundly influence our moods and emotions and our physiological reactions.

2. Cultural biases can also influence our reaction to a certain colour or shade. For example, saffron is a colour typically sacred to hindus and used in religious customs, which can invoke negative feelings in those who do not follow hinduism and who may find the colour aggressive.  The white colour may symbolise  purity in one culture and mourning in others. These cultural predilections can thus train our mind to perceive and react in specific ways.

Because of the importance of colours in our daily life, in our relationships, our behaviour, in the natural world, there is even a field devoted to the psychology of color. Based on the impact and influence of colours, they are grouped into warm and cool colours.

Warm colours invoke feelings of warmth and positivity in you, exuberance. Pink is light and feminine. Red denotes passion. Orange is positivity and exuberance In excess , aggressiveness, anger, rage, passion, and so on. Cool colours are calm, soothing, relaxing and in excess they may create feelings of depression and so on.

Hence, you can see, why dressing in different shades, may influence our moods and why you can see suggestions of specific colours for different temperaments. Hence, One can also understand how dressing and clothes can influence the sort of impression one creates in social environments. Of course, one cannot credit all human behaviors to colours. That would be a colossal exaggeration.

Think about the colors you see around you. which influences you?  positively, negatively? Isn’t it interesting? In next few posts will be dedicated to different colours..

In the meantime, look out for the blues in your life. Keep the positivity. Enjoy the blissful blues without going BLUE

Cheerios..

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Searching for directions

 

Last few days I have been trying to cope with severe mood swings.

On somedays, everything feels and look black. On some days, every day is perfectly fine. It is almost as if there were no black days.

I can choose to be permanently in the latter by ignoring what is happening inside of me. Earlier, it used to be so easy to say  to myself ” you are just being silly and ignoring it”.

Now,  I cannot do it anymore. When I try to ignore that voice inside me, I feel troubled and anxious. I know I am pretending to fool myself into believing that things are all right.

So what is happening?

A lot of it has to do with the fact, that I feel I am standing at the crossroads in my life. So much I have seen and done. What is gonna happen in future? Where do I see myself going and achieving? Also, a lot of the disturbance and uncertainities in the world is affecting me. The collective sense of desperation, frustrations out there is blunting my own positivity and exacerbating my negativities.

The present is trapping me into staying where I am. So how do I escape to grasp my future  and say bye bye to the by-gones? The best way of course is to detach yourself and stay in a self created cocoon. But what if your nature does not allow you to be detached? But what if you are the sort, for being a part of the universe, is essential to your thriving?

How do you guide yourself along during a time of confusion and lack of clarity? Do you wait for guidance or for some inner voice to come along? Do you trust in an inner voice and then act, laying your faith that whatever happens would be for the good? Do you allow yourself to be led by others?

The most comfortable thing is to be led by others, to depend on them for advice. The most difficult thing is to follow your own heart. Many times what others want and what you want is at cross-purposes.  This is because, only you can be you and understand yourself. Others may come close but they cannot understand why you are the way  you are.

If your belief is safety first, then I would say you follow the former. if you have the courage to stick out your neck, then go for the later. For me,  the main issue I am fighting is lack of confidence in myself. But I do hope I can conquer that.

So , Which path do you choose to follow?

Dissolution

It seems so cloudy in my mind.
Darkness everywhere,
Heavy thunders can be heard from the distance.
What new thunderstorm is coming.
To create havoc and disrupt
The inner temple where I
Keep myself safe and sound.
What new overwhelming torrents would, Wash away the tranquil feelings
You have created in me.
How to steel myself against the painof the world.
I feel more alone every day then everbefore,
Without you besides me,
I will shatter like glass.
Without you to hold me, I will fall apart.
If you aren’t there,
Rather the savage swells
Come and break me.
Let me feel the power of the waves,covering me,
Drenching me,

Overpowering me.

Let me get submerged under the waves,

Feel the pounding n swaying of the walls,

of my sanctum,

tumbling and shaking me 

tottering and lurching.

Breaking apart over me.

As I go down under

The blessed layers, the opaqueness around.

I can’t bear the agony anymore.

No more struggling.

Dissolving into aqua, 

Fragmenting into atoms,

Disappearing into ether.
Come and find me

If you can find me, 

strain through the opaqueness and

maybe you will discover me 

smiling at you

a flotsam amongst the dark wonders of the sea.

At one at peace

Inseverable.

 

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The House

The gates are shut and closed,

with chains hanging about,

no entry ,the board does says

Broken glass covers the walls everywhere.

oh, beware who try to scale the heights.

You may end up paying the price.

Inside, you lie curled up on the floor

your hands show a deep inflicted wound,

The knife has pierced  through your skin

the blood oozing out warm and thin,

u feel the thrill and the pain,

as ur life blood oozes out

onto the floor.

as your despair, no body sees,

ur veins drain, u become cold..

and still the gates are locked and nobody knows..

It happened months ago,

but still seems like yesterday,

as ur love wrenched ur heart,

and said nay nay nay.

you tried to smile, you tried to act tough,

but inside u were crumbling up.

u died inside every hour,

as every day went by more and more.

You locked yourself in inside your house,

erected those walls told before,

locked the gates with padlocks huge,

so none can enter ur refuge.

And then when the note was wrote

and the dreary deed was done,

you felt a sense of loss,You felt like you are undone.

Your eyes swim and numbness creeps,

You feel weak and  faint as the clock beeps,

you roll down on to the floor,

all around you , the world goes up and down,

u feel dreamy and a weird sense of peace.

u lift ur hand, the blood oozing out

u try to scream ,but no voice comes out..

alone in your despair and in your agony,

and still the gates are locked and nobody knows,…..

The angels seem to float about,

you hear voices calling you to them

you prepare to say good bye my love,

and to join the lovely golden voices above.

you hurt me and i love u so true,

i know you have your reasons too.

it is ok ,  go on and live ur life

but i cannot go on any more.

My heart is closed, my house is dead

my doors are shut and my gates are locked.

there is no place for me to go,

except to the skies above.

I wish u well,i wish you joy

and happiness through you life,

But i have to go cause  I know,

there will be no coming back  anymore.

As you will this, you feel all pain go

you close ur eyes and  sink some  more.

You dont hear the clink of the chains,

You dont hear the gates thrown open again

Footsteps come rushing and crowding,

u lie oblivious to all,

far away from it all..when,

an anguished cry, a frantic touch

stirs ur senses and  burns your skin,

u  open your eyes and you see

shadows of the loving face

u  thought u would never see again,

the hands on your face feel cool and sane,

and u feel a sudden spark of pain.

You hear the voices tell you,

Go on dear, Its not your time,

Go and love and then come back.

See your love was always true,

How else it would have come back to you.

You are in your love’s safe arms,

your vision blurs but u can see,

the pain is immense and u struggle a lot,

but u know you are safe, on home ground.

The chains are down, the board has gone,

no glass pieces on the wall remains.

The doors are open once again,

and your house will never be the same again………

Love’s moods

Love is a wonderful feeling,

full of ups and downs.

Sometimes you feel happy,

Sometimes you feel down.

But if there is one thing you can say,

It never lets you frown.

It may bite you, fight you,

tempt you, threaten you,

freeze you and scare you,

But it will never let you alone.

It melts you, it softens you,

It squeezes you ,it wrings you

It changes you again and again,

makes you pliable and soft.

Oh, such a queer feeling it is,

so infinitely close it makes you feel,

so infinitely distant it takes you,

so fierce and so protective it is

so hard and cruel it is, at times.

It cuts you to the bone,

chills your skin,

warms your blood,

quickens your  pulse.

Exciting and invigorating,

Soothing and  enduring,

In all its hues,

it never ever  leaves you,

alone and untouched.

Of different types, Of different kinds,

Brings you together as never before,

A feeling created by God,

To help  humanity to be close as one.

Let there be love everywhere,

be it cruel or be it tender,

without love, no life can thrive,

else all will shrink and die.

So, do remember, my dear friend,

Learn to love and  live to give,

Cos’ life is short and ‘ere you know,

you will be treading the path above.

To the skies and to the air above

where you and the skies are one as one.

Hope

A feeling, an emotion

Tender and warm.

Wistful wishing

To make you smile.

Praying and Beseeching

To have peace

In this strife torn world.

A glistening quality.

Hope for peace,

For the heart and the soul

Hope

to remove the evils of mankind

Hope

to help us live our life

Hope

To feel that no evil, no danger

can remove HOPE from our hearts